Sneak attacks

Because I understand where my ex was coming from now and I've grown since my time then, it's hard to look back on things and really remember what things felt like.  One thing I do remember was the chronic inadequacy.

I or anything I did was never good enough for him.  Was never adequate it seemed.  Yessiree, if I planned a trip it was all rotten, if I made something for a friends shower she wouldn't like it....well the list goes on.  What was particularly powerful about it was his ability to do these things without being a blatant jerk.  He made himself look golden by offering me what seemed to be honest and constructive criticisms, with a subtle objective of bringing me down....I call them sneak attacks.  Don't get me wrong, sometimes he was out and out a stinker, but not always.

What was important for me to realize was that his constant criticizing of me actually had nothing to do with me.  Now, I'm not saying I'm always perfect and don't deserve any criticism, but I know now, his own illness or his own inadequacies if I can call it that are the cause of his need to bring me down.  His insecurities seemed like less to him when he surrounded himself with people who were always screwing up or short on good traits.  Since he didn't have such a person as a partner in actuality, he had to make one out of me.

My happiness was a threat to him because in a way it empowered me.  Because he was inherently miserable my happiness was a threat to him.

My recovery was slow.  I knew I was smart.....I knew I was good at things...I knew I was attractive.....I knew I was a mean cello player.....I knew I was a good friend.....but I didn't FEEL I was those things.  I tried to (without knowing it) bolster myself by surrounding myself with people who would remind me what a jerk he was.  I always felt better on the surface after a big Ex bashing session with friends!  I could always count on people I hardly knew....they always supported me!  What almost strangers would actually give you honest criticisms anyway?!  I would unload on people who would listen and they alway told me about what a jerk he was.

But slowly it would wear away....slowly I was left back at that start.  It was just a quick fix and not a solution....but I fear that too many live off of this.  Too many get past their experience with just this as a recovery aid and don't recover on a really wholesome thorough level.

For me at least, I needed to understand that he was troubled.  To understand that these were his problems, and the true inner meaning behind why he was this way to me in effect slowly reversed the effects of his actions.  It took the venom out of all those bites he left in me.....while at the same time reminding me of who I was.  I was smart, I was good at things, I was attractive, I was a mean cello player and I was a good friend....and I was starting to feel it again.  I was becoming me again....

Daisy

where to start?

There's a new day every day, and though it is indeed a new one we take to it piles of things from the day before.  Sometimes stress from a job, the elation of an exciting new relationship, an injury to your foot because you spent too much time in heels the day before, the high from a great workout session....in fact we take things with us from the weeks and years before.  So is a day a new beginning, or just a new day?  I mean what's really so new about it?  The sun just hung out on the other side of the world for a while, and sure enough came back again.  People use events to signal or mark personal transformations.  While this can work fine for marking when you are going to start your new workout, new diet or some resolutions, personal discovery and growth lives by other boundaries.  Setting deadlines for these things will just lead to  a false sense of contentment, happiness....you may well be fooling yourself.

Coming to terms with emotional trauma requires time. Period.  Time for introspection and self analysis.  Time for coming to terms with what happened.  Time to understand the events themselves and why they happened, but also to understand yourself right now and why you are where you are emotionally.  It requires an honesty with yourself that many find uncomfortable, even within the privacy of your own brain.

I.....DAISY....thought of killing myself and leaving my children to grow up with who I thought was a rotten person (not just a rotten Dad, but a rotten person) because I could not handle the ordeal.  I was that selfish.  This is one of the many things I had a hard time coming to terms with.  It was easy to explain and make excuses for, but I hadn't accepted it....I hadn't come to terms with what I had contemplated.  I stopped thinking about it, but it didn't go away.

Skip ahead a year or so:

I.....DAISY.... enjoyed the feeling of POWER when the sheriff came to get my ex off the front porch.  They were on my side!  I was powerful...more powerful than him!  I liked that feeling......and was sickened by the fact that I liked it.  What had I become?  Did he not like power?  His reasons for liking power are not excusable, but mine are?  I convinced myself that it was just because my children were safer this way.  It was not the only reason....my deep inner self knew it and it was troubled.

I owe my ex a lot.  It would surprise many to know we are friends.  Not the friends in quotation marks, but the real friends.  I have not made excuses for him, but I understand him.  He understands himself, and has sought counseling and has grown....but it was not all his fault.  We smile real smiles together and I hope you'll come to see why...

Daisy

Where it all begins

I am not an abuse survivor.


I am not a victim.


I do not identify myself as such.


I am a person who loves life, is confident and knows who they are.  I have journeyed to this place, to becoming this person...via a path that was rocky and flesh tearing and soul wrenching and fruitful.  


Where it all begins is at the start of this path...where the hard part is....where most people, sadly, think their journey is finished.


Many out there need to hear the gory details, because they don't yet understand that they don't matter.


I was married....I was physically abused, I was emotionally abused to the point of suicide, I had children. 


Then I was not physically abused, or emotionally abused.....but I was not free.  My children were safe, I was safe.....but I was not well and those around me suffered....and I continued to suffer.

Welcome to my attempt to blog about what I understand to be the most important phase of recovery from an abusive relationship of any sort.  It is the phase that begins where too many people stop.....at freedom.  Freedom from many of the physical aspects of an abusive relationship often leaves us breathing a sigh of relief and allowing the intoxicating freedom to make us lazy.  Buckle up folks!  There's lots of work to do from here!  My awakening inspired me to help others.  I have been doing so for some time and Suzie Q inspired me to start writing about it too.  Stay tuned for further posts...and be sure to have a mirror with you if you come back.....because in the words of my saviour councillor...  "It's all about you daisy"