Sneak attacks

Because I understand where my ex was coming from now and I've grown since my time then, it's hard to look back on things and really remember what things felt like.  One thing I do remember was the chronic inadequacy.

I or anything I did was never good enough for him.  Was never adequate it seemed.  Yessiree, if I planned a trip it was all rotten, if I made something for a friends shower she wouldn't like it....well the list goes on.  What was particularly powerful about it was his ability to do these things without being a blatant jerk.  He made himself look golden by offering me what seemed to be honest and constructive criticisms, with a subtle objective of bringing me down....I call them sneak attacks.  Don't get me wrong, sometimes he was out and out a stinker, but not always.

What was important for me to realize was that his constant criticizing of me actually had nothing to do with me.  Now, I'm not saying I'm always perfect and don't deserve any criticism, but I know now, his own illness or his own inadequacies if I can call it that are the cause of his need to bring me down.  His insecurities seemed like less to him when he surrounded himself with people who were always screwing up or short on good traits.  Since he didn't have such a person as a partner in actuality, he had to make one out of me.

My happiness was a threat to him because in a way it empowered me.  Because he was inherently miserable my happiness was a threat to him.

My recovery was slow.  I knew I was smart.....I knew I was good at things...I knew I was attractive.....I knew I was a mean cello player.....I knew I was a good friend.....but I didn't FEEL I was those things.  I tried to (without knowing it) bolster myself by surrounding myself with people who would remind me what a jerk he was.  I always felt better on the surface after a big Ex bashing session with friends!  I could always count on people I hardly knew....they always supported me!  What almost strangers would actually give you honest criticisms anyway?!  I would unload on people who would listen and they alway told me about what a jerk he was.

But slowly it would wear away....slowly I was left back at that start.  It was just a quick fix and not a solution....but I fear that too many live off of this.  Too many get past their experience with just this as a recovery aid and don't recover on a really wholesome thorough level.

For me at least, I needed to understand that he was troubled.  To understand that these were his problems, and the true inner meaning behind why he was this way to me in effect slowly reversed the effects of his actions.  It took the venom out of all those bites he left in me.....while at the same time reminding me of who I was.  I was smart, I was good at things, I was attractive, I was a mean cello player and I was a good friend....and I was starting to feel it again.  I was becoming me again....

Daisy